I grieved every inch of this home
we made together.
I grieved the empty spaces left
from the furniture we split
before you cut your losses
and ran.
I grieved the idea
of you showing up
at my doorstep
begging for me to
forgive you
and give you
another chance
and how I pictured it
every time I turned
the corner toward that house
for weeks
for months.
I grieved that feeling
of knowing I was always
coming home to the thing
I loved best
and how it was replaced
by this.
I grieved the tenderness
the best of you
the times I felt safe
in your slender arms
against your chest
heart beating calmly
with you as a witness
to my entire existence.
I grieved the way
we co-existed.
I grieved the pieces of you
that became pieces of me
the ones that shattered when you left
and the ones that stayed.
I grieved the imprints
and the scars
and the shrapnel
and the lessons
all the beautiful and terrible things
that will never fade
and will always matter.
And I grieved the way
you looked at me
and I knew
I just knew
how deep
your love ran.
I grieved the love we made.
I grieved the first time
you ever told me
you wouldn’t have me any other way
and the last time you said
it wasn’t enough.
I grieved Sundays
lazy Sundays
the best day of my week
the day we’d always spend together
just the two of us.
I grieved how two became one, overnight,
and Sundays became just another day
to get through.
I grieved that life still had to keep moving
when all I wanted was for it to stop
when all I felt was emptiness.
I grieved that image in my head
of who you were
and who you could be
if I just loved you hard enough.
I grieved the things you did
while you were leaving
and how they didn’t fit
with my version of you
how after all we'd been through
I deserved so much better.
I grieved the flickers of humanity
those parts you tried so desperately to hide
those moments you let it peek through.
I grieved that those flickers of light
will never be enough
I need whole skies
I need entire universes of the stuff.
I grieved the love you could never give
the needs you could never meet
the boundaries you violated
playing on repeat.
I grieved all the things
I sacrificed to keep you here.
And I grieved the truth:
It was always going to end like this
and there was nothing
I could have ever done
to stop it.
I grieved that our lives continue
separately, and the ways I've tried
to stay in this place
just to feel some semblance
of closeness to your memory --
and (who am I kidding)
to try forgetting what you did.
I grieved my illusions
of control
of trust
of what it means
to make a promise
of certainty
of us
of honesty
of believing words
when actions don’t align
of self-deceit
that most harmful kind of lying.
And I grieved the old wounds
the ones that came
to consciousness
after you left me wanting.
I grieved every time
a person I loved ever
rejected me
neglected me
made me feel cheap
or rendered me unseen
then walked away in denial
to keep their filthy hands clean.
I grieved the injustice of it all
the apologies I will never receive.
I grieved what turned out to be
a lifetime of pain
shoved and stuffed away
because I hated it.
I grieved for that little girl inside,
the one I tried to lock up
and keep quiet
for fear that she would ruin
everything good in my life.
I grieved all the ways I tried
to kill her off, when she never
did anything wrong to me
when all she ever wanted
was to be loved and seen.
And I grieved the dilution
the delusion
the confusion I felt
when my expectations
didn’t match up
with reality.
I grieved all the ways
I bent and broke myself
to make things that hurt me fit.
I grieved my mistakes
and my regrets.
I grieved the past I didn’t have
the future I thought I wanted
the life we will never get to create
the life I have to make for myself.
I grieved the unknown space
between now and the next time
it feels like everything happens
for a reason, and everything is right.
And I grieved the old me
the one that would be
knocking on your door tonight
willing you to just believe
a little longer
trying to convince you
to love me
to stay.
I grieved the stronger part
the one that gives everything
day by day by day
to protect me this time
to protect that little girl inside.
I grieved every tender feeling
every step along the way.
And I have wished it to stop
to have mercy on me, many times
but the more it fills me
the more I realize
that now is as good a time as ever
and when this Grief
has done its work and gone
I will have no doubt in my mind
that I have healed.
And that
that is worth the wait.
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Tags: #poetry #creativewriting #grief